Avengers 2: Age Of Ultron

Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer review

The high-octane, low-coherence teaser trailer for the superhero spectacular was released a few hours ago. Stuart Heritage picks through the carnage in search of clues

There’s a good chance that you’ve already seen today’s rush-released Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer. Similarly, there’s an equally good chance that you already know the main thrust of the story – Tony Stark makes an artificial robot, the robot goes a bit cuckoo and kills everyone.

However, unless you’ve gone incredibly deep into the Avengers 2 trailer, freeze-framing every second of action, you’ve probably missed all manner of tiny yet crucial details about the film. That’s boring, though, and it takes several hours. So, instead, I’ve done it for you. Here’s the story behind the story of the Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer.

At the start of the trailer, Ultron intones: “I’m gonna show you something beautiful. People screaming for mercy.” However, these people appear to be screaming in anger, not terror. Plus, the characters in the middle are new Avengers characters Scarlett Witch and Quicksilver, which leads me to believe that this scene is set in the fictional eastern European country of Transia. Finally, what’s that French flag doing in the top left-hand corner? I’m not making any promises, but it looks like Avengers: Age of Ultron might contain a lengthy Les Misérables tribute segment at some point.

This, possibly, is the moment when the Avengers realise that Ultron has gone all loopy. But look how they’re dressed. Black Widow’s in an impractical cocktail dress, Captain America’s gone full-on smart-casual. Thor seems to be wearing some sort of hideous Hillary Clinton hand-me-down. What on Earth have they just been doing?

 

Here’s Quicksilver again. He’s either fighting or aiding that robot, which is either Iron Man, Ultron, new good-robot character the Vision or someone else entirely. In the last fraction of a second of that shot, Captain America pokes his head out from behind the melee. Whose side are any of these people on?

 

Judging by the haircuts and helmets here, this is a flashback. It might even be the one filmed at the Rivoli Ballroom in south-east London earlier this year. So, on top of the two new Avengers, their Les Misérables scene, all the inter-character banter we’ve come to know and love and the actual plot of the film itself involving variously good and bad robots, we’re getting a Captain America flashback scene too. Something tells me that Avengers: Age of Ultron is going to be quite a long film.

 And don’t forget that Andy Serkis makes an appearance, too. Judging by his beard, he’s likely to be playing someone called Ulysses Klaw. So that’s another new character the film has to go out of its way to introduce. If that wasn’t enough, Ulysses Klaw is the arch-enemy of Black Panther. That means we might have to meet yet another new character on top of that. I don’t know about you, but I’m already picking the scenes where I should go to the toilet. No human bladder is big enough to make it through a film this long, surely.

 So a crazed robot is systematically exterminating all of humanity as we know it – what’s Thor doing? Oh, you know, just recreating the music video to Pray by Take That. Nothing big.

 

Plus, judging by the roadsigns, there’s a scene where Captain America goes to Seoul and flips a load of cars over, just for the hell of it.

Another important plot point of Avengers: Age of Ultron – the Hulk hates fruit. He really hates it. That’s someone’s livelihood he’s screwing around with there. What a turd.

Oh, and by the way, all the Avengers who aren’t Tony Stark die in this film. This is a clip from a scene that was originally in the Comic-Con trailer, where all the Avengers are lying dead on the surface of an alien planet and Tony Stark looks like he’s about to have a word with Thanos about it.

So: that’s at least three – maybe five or six – new Avengers, an Asian getaway, a flashback, a kooky dressing-up scene, a homage to Les Misérables, a crazy robot determined to wipe out all of humanity and the death of all the heroes we know and love in some sort of interplanetary massacre that seems entirely unrelated to anything else that happens in the film. If you plan to see Avengers: Age of Ultron next May, here’s my advice: wear some DVT socks. You’re going to be sitting down for a while._______ Tony Stark raving bananas